On working collaboratively:
Tim asked me during a recent debrief, “...can you tell when someone is asking for something versus when someone is just telling you what to do?”
This was in the context of a conversation about developing better self-advocacy and boundaries while preserving empathy as a business owner. His question also applies well to developing leadership, presence, and empathy in teaching, and the nuanced relationships teachers have with students. Here's my dissertation on it 😉
Teaching, like business ownership, can come loaded with power dynamics that are difficult to manage depending on how we are doing. Neither relationship is successful if it’s built on compliance from one party.
I want students to question me on the things that don’t make sense, or tell me when they need something different. I may set parameters and make suggestions. I may change my mind. I may say “no,” - something I have a very hard time doing! - just as I hope a student, or anyone interacting with me professionally, knows they can be just as open with me.
We all have bad days. Sometimes they happen because we’re following along with something we want changed rather than tolerating the temporary discomfort of asking for something different. Sometimes they happen when we finally snap after letting go of the too-short resentment rope that comes from saying “yes” when we mean “no.”
The good and joyful days outnumber all those above.
Without solid communication and directness, it’s hard to learn, and even harder to feel acknowledged in a way that leads to collaboration around getting what we need. I feel this is potentially a gendered struggle, as well, but that’s a separate essay you didn’t ask for.
I’m sharing this because it’s taken me well over a decade teaching movement to develop empathetic presence and self-advocacy in the same breath. It’s possible to be simultaneously successful while also failing majestically at it.
Knowing how to ask creates mutual responsibility both people can accept. Being demanding forces responsibility onto one person. Knowing the difference is a buildable skill. Especially when the person making demands of you is you!
